Born in the wrong era? No. There is no wrong era.

tomoe vs kaoru

2011-12-11T04:21:00.000+08:00

how to choose?

scared scared

2011-11-22T14:46:00.002+08:00

a few times i have had a similar dream liao.
it has to do with football.
in my dream, there will be very ridiculously exaggerated injuries.
they are also very grisly in nature.
one dream was a guy kena slide and his whole leg came off from where the thigh is connected to the pelvis.
like the whole thing come out from the socket.
last night my dream, a defender, in trying to stop suddenly in front of goal, broke his leg at the shin.
the whole lowr half came of and can se the bone and the muscles just dangling.
i think this is the effect of band of brothers and my pre-occupation with football.
it feels very ominous; like i oging to break my leg soon or something like that.
or someone else going to break leg soon.
scared.
scared.
better drink more milk and get more calcium.... :s

i think this sums it up

2011-11-19T03:04:00.001+08:00

easy to be with
not easy to know

totga

2011-11-19T03:01:00.002+08:00

things as they are,
i very happy.
i scared things crumble again
and so i don't move any further.
but one day i'll have to move forward.
but right now, it is all fine as it is.
just consider this:
who have i passed over for your sake?

2011-11-19T03:00:00.001+08:00

23rd birthday,
study for renaissance exam
heypi birtsday :)

prove formula

2011-10-28T05:19:00.003+08:00

study hard = good grades?
no.
tyco can do well can do bad. bell curve can push up can push down. anything can happen.

good grades = good job?
no.
stragiht a's doesn't mean get good job. fail doesn't mean cant find job. jobs not based solely on what we can offer, is see what ppl want and when.

good job = good money?
no.
graduates can get low paying jobs. coffee shop uncle can earn tonnes of cash. money can be obtained by various means.

good money = stable life?
no.
you could have a recalcitrant gambler in the house. you could meet a car accient. you family member could fall ill. money can disappear overnight.

stable life = happy life?
no.
stable life can end up achieving very little. can become boring. can become sucked into maintaining stable life, that there is no life being lived.

happy life = meaningful life?
no.
meaning is not defined by the created but by the creator. happy life may satisfy us, but that is not the issue. life is more than happiness.

therefore?

fear God and keep His commandments for this is the whole duty of man.

edit no idea sans consumerism

2011-10-28T05:07:00.001+08:00

1. swiss army knife
7. laserpointer
22. guitar tuner
26. sweater

haha

2011-10-21T01:27:00.001+08:00

need

to

become

stronger

:(

special

2011-10-13T02:19:00.003+08:00

brilliant games.
games are great fun and there are those games that are greater fun than others.
there are brilliant games around.
last time already got awesome games, and truth is, brilliant games will continue to be produced for as long as games exist. whether frequent or not is beside the point, fact is, they WILL come out.
think about the beautiful games...flower, braid, outlander, shadow of the colossus...
the smart games...portal, braid, world of goo...
the epic games...mgs, uncharted, gow, ffvii....
the fiendish games? super meat boy, demon souls, bioshock...
i've played many games in my life, and i've been sucked into various games too. sleepless nights, work undone, hours burnt, life wasted....addictions...though not really something that i'm ashamed of...
BUT
at the end of the day,
ask me to choose my favourite and it will never change.
if i could only play one game before i die, it would be a no-brainer decision.
no other game has so deeply affected me or been so deeply ingrained into my life as
Metal Gear Solid.
yes, the graphics are dated, the gameplay has been surpassed and the story and grandeur has been matched. but it won't change a thing.
all-rounded awesome games like mgs 4, unchartered 2, arkham asylum, gow 3 are great in many aspects, but i think mgs has sealed its place in my heart simply because it was the first.
MGS is SPECIAL.
special place in my heart is mgs.
it was the first game that got me into mature gaming, and the impact was great.
the experience was awesome. the atmosphere and setting of the game, the memorable characters, voice acting and lines. the compelling plot and story. the incredibly engaging gameplay, and the mature themes dealt with...
cant be topped la, no matter what comes my way.

there'll always be fun games to play, games that look better, sound better, play better, are funnier, are smarter, are more creative.
but my love for mgs doesn't boil down to just those things, it's something beyond that. something that cant be touched...

and it's the same for her too. i guess.
haha

if u really have no idea

2011-10-07T01:34:00.004+08:00

1. swiss army knife
2. ground markers for soccer
3. ps3 controller
4. board games that people will enjoy playing
5. graphic novels
6. dyson bladeless air multiplier
7. laserpointer
8. decent looking and sounding non in-ear earphones
9. handphone
10. slippers
11. karabiner
12. belay device
13. climbing pants - acquired
14. nerf gun
15. compression gear
16. nerf gun bullets
17. round specs
18. laptop
19. blender
20. effective alarm clock
21. cool notebook/organiser
22. guitar tuner
23. portable speakers
24. ipod dock n speaekrs
25. sunglasses
26. sweater
27. titanium spork

rambozo

2011-10-05T01:04:00.002+08:00

with regards to soccer,
i don't know how to progress.
kb has been busy and so has ck and it seems like they are busy with their own thing and have no time for football.
granted.
but even so, actually in the past it also felt that way like they weren't really fully committed to the team and left me to do the organising and stuff.
if wan to just kick kick also not as fun as playing as a team
but playing as a team also requires some basic commitment and training and it seems like few are really willing to give their bit.
is it because it is not cmmunicated?
that to most, this is just a side thing?
if that is the case then it will be hard to progress to anything more than just "a bunch of guys playing football"
some don't even reply my sms.
and that kind of irks me because the least u could do is reply and let the organiser know if you are coming.
i feel quite abandoned like i'm fighting on my own.
it sometimes feels that way in church also. like you're fighting on your own.
the feeling is terrible. and others complain of wanting to leave.
like when there is very little support for the things organised yet you are given a responsibility to do and others don't really try to help you.
it is one thing to organise things for the benefit of others, but sometimes it just feels like people cant be bothered.
like organise an activity and the organiser don't even want to go.
or organise an activity and plan the dates in advance but people just go on ahead and book themselves anyway. the message is simply this: "this isn't worth my time"
honestly, that may be the case for some activities.
but then it also borders on "you aren't worth my time"
it is not always a case of this or that.
sometimes i feel that things can be accomodated. but people won't la.
i know that we should be working for God's sake.
and that it is not other's response or evaluation that we should be motivated by so much as it should be God's evaluation,
but being human, i think i have emotions and feelings and sometimes it just becomes very tiring when u do things and there is little or no support from others.
does it not boil down to the love and faithfulness of others?
yes it does i think. and sometimes it just hurts la.
i don't feel like writing anymore.

at the end of the day

2011-10-05T01:03:00.001+08:00

i think i'm just lonely and wish i had a close friend to talk to

thought experiment in the twilight zone

2011-10-04T01:46:00.002+08:00

here's a thought:
what if,
one day,
i meet a girl who....
likes the same shows i like
likes the same songs i like
likes the same books i like
likes the same sports i like
likes the same food i like
likes the same games i like
likes to chill
likes to explore new things
likes to consider new ideas
likes to exercise
likes to play
likes to read
likes to cook
likes to hang around me
likes to talk to me
likes to listen to me
likes to laugh at me
likes to laugh with me
likes to serve God (like really likes to)
likes my friends
likes my family
likes me.

and what if....
she's younger than me?

then how?
so is love supposed to be easy or hard?
to be happy? or something quite apart from that?

edit: shows now

2011-10-03T02:16:00.001+08:00

mary and max.
crouching tiger hidden dragon.
mother.
never let me go.
13 assasins.
sword of a stranger.
kings speech.
black swan.
kiten city.
rule no. 1.
the fighter.
seven samurai.
source code.

hot

2011-09-26T00:13:00.002+08:00

i just showered and then i went about doing random stuff.
and then i started to sweat.
and i realised then....IT'S SO BLOODY HOT.
the worst feeling is when your butt begins to sweat.
wah.
GAO WEI MAX.
so.
took off my pants(was already topless by then) and hunted for the air con remote.
what a difference it made when i lost the pants.
and then i add the air con...
wah bliss.
now i'm not hot anymore.
now i'm hungry.
i'm always hungry.

it was there all along?

2011-09-20T03:23:00.002+08:00

look at what i write now and what i wrote in the past.
major difference ah.
and tehre is a clear reason for that change.
clear as day.
sometimes i wish(and i think many others wish also), that i were more like the me in the past.
but truth is, has anything really truly changed?
or has what was previously dormant now merely been surfaced?
hmmm

abit toolate??

2011-09-20T03:21:00.001+08:00

this friday got vertigo
haha,
quite excited.
hope i don't bail yea?
:) HOOHA

truth is

2011-09-16T14:34:00.002+08:00

had my happiest dream last night.
totally felt real, wasn't a ridiculous dream, but a very believeable one.
the kind i wake up and then for a few seconds i don't realise that all that happened was just a dream.
but at the end of the day/(night) still had to wake up..
oh well

these are my dreams

2011-09-12T01:51:00.002+08:00

i still dream about her all the time.
i don't know whether it is increasingly so...
but i am very aware of it.
all this dreaming and emoness and detachment and regret and stuff only makes me think more and more of inception
can relate more and more to cobb
and the quotes in inception...
sometimes like very apt to describe how i feel

games

2011-09-11T01:41:00.002+08:00

team ico collection
fifa 12
resistance 2
resistance 3
blood rayne
batman arkham city
uncharted 3
portal 2
dead space 2

shows

2011-09-10T01:43:00.002+08:00

happy flight.
mary and max.
crouching tiger hidden dragon.
mother.
never let me go.
13 assasins.
sword of a stranger.
127 hours.
kings speech.
flower drum song.
black swan.
kiten city.
rule no. 1.
the fighter.
notting hill.

what matters?

2011-09-10T01:32:00.002+08:00

so who is there for me?
who am i there for?
you can always be hanging out with someone, but when it comes to the crunch time, will you be there for the person?
you may always be there for others, but do they even realise it?
do they even care for it?
do they even realise it?
would you ever know it they even needed it?

forever alone

2011-09-06T02:17:00.003+08:00

it is all welled up inside me
feels like bursting
all i have now is distraction
distraction to make me forget for a while
other times, i have my mask
isn't it a great dichotomy of a life?
think about it, skool, church, tfc, cf, climbing, army, soccer, friends, family....
to others i put on a happy front
a confident front
an unaffected front
a matured front?
if i really wanted to, could i fool everyone?
i think i could
beyond, the outside, who knows the inside?
will anybody ever truly know what goes on in my heart?
will people ever know the darkness within?
and then i think, am i alone?
is it not the case for others as well?
how many people have their internal struggles that nobody will ever hear about?
i am together with all the lonely people on this planet.

2011-09-06T00:56:00.001+08:00

i know why

2011-09-06T00:53:00.000+08:00

flying kick to my face a la ufc please

some time

2011-09-05T00:55:00.002+08:00

i think i read bible la

pooi pooi pooi

2011-09-05T00:28:00.002+08:00

tired
many things weighing down on me
i feel heavy and lethargic
today i really really didn't feel like doing anything
i just wanted to hang around
to me it feels like everybody is busy with their own thing and there is no interconnectedness or whatever or whatever.
there is no vibrancy of life or what lah
POOOOOI. pooi pooi pooi pooi.
i don't feel the working together towards a goal or a willingness or interest in each other.
it feels alienating
like i'm all alone
apart from the class on sunday there really isn't much interaction with anybody else sometimes. i look forward to seeing the tfc students more and more each week.
lame la
it makes me wonder loh if things are better elsewhere
but that's lame la. if nothing else i wan to keep up with the class on sunday.
if nothing else.
maybe i am too idealistic sometimes.
so as a result when things turn out otherwise i am more and more frustrated.
frustrated is the right word.
i am quite frustrated with various things ba
i am ranting
sometimes it feels like people are doing what they wan
and i don't get to do waht i wan
or whatever like i have to kio sai lidat
cos nobody else is willing to do and because i feel bad if i say no so i say yes to everything and as a result it just frustrates me when i see people doing things that i feel is unfair to others who sacrifice.
aiyah
i live a comfortable life la
i always slack la
i'm only interested in playing la
i really ought to grow up la.
grow up la.

never let me go

2011-08-29T02:21:00.003+08:00

when chouji found shikamaru he knew that that was it liao.
one day you will find a friend that will be there for you.
when you find that friend. make sure you never let go.
cos it's a treasure and one that is definitely worth fighting for.

nothing new under the sun.

2011-08-23T00:43:00.002+08:00

i wonder if people realise that i can feel emo also.
sometimes i think people have an impression of me where nothing goes wrong in my life and even if things do go wrong, i am not very badly affected by it.
people think that i am cheerful all the time?
a thought that i have:
trusting God means surrendering everything to Him.
that means that even in dark times one trusts in the will of God.
job lost everything and yet he did not curse God.
that was trust in God yes?
if i were to lose everything and not curse God, would that be trust?
no, it may not.
i may not curse God because everything may really be nothing to me.
if nothing is really important to me, then what i have surrendered to God is really nothing much. it is all rubbish to me anyway, so that is why it does not bother me when God takes it away.
but if there is this one thing that is the one thing to me and God just takes that away even if he left everything else untouched, then i guess the untrusting me would very probably curse God.
and that is what God has done to me.
He has shown me that i can "trust" Him in many aspects of life,
but in this one particular area, i have shown my true colours.
i have shown my fist to God, even if it were hidden behind my back, i know, and He knows, that i have shown my fist to Him.
i refuse to let go.
i clench my fist up tight and keep it close to my heart.
i smile and i hide it behind me, but it is there and it is very present in my mind.
i will hold on to it.
and it will destroy me.
this is the deceitfulness of my heart.
i now question my trust and submission to God. i don't really trust myself now.
now i will want to make a radical decision.
but in my heart i don't really want to do it.
i want to seek "advice" and i want people to tell me otherwise.
i want the desire of my heart to be echoed back at me and i want to make a decision that i want, that was affirmed by others, that i know is not right.
i pray that God will change me.
I pray that God will make me want Him to change me.

NOTE TO SELF: IAMNOTSTUPID

2011-08-06T03:00:00.003+08:00

from now on,
iamstinky
no longer.
from now on,
IAMNOTSTUPID
only.

blow you away

2011-06-26T02:08:00.002+08:00

here are some games that blew me away

mgs
shadow of the colossus
braid
limbo
world of goo
patapon
front mission 3
final fantasy 7

wnr?

2011-06-26T00:57:00.003+08:00

wanted to watch 13 assasins.
but couldn't get tix...
very sian as a result. haiz, this kind of thing bothers me ah...it's the anticipation ba.
i really wanted to watch the show.
even though i dunno what it's about. i guess that's partly why i want to watch it so much.
it's low profile but it's like apparently very VERY V E R Y highly rated. and i know nothing about it. so there's ultimate mystery. which means there is likely ultimate surprise and satsifaction. there is literally nothing to spoil. shiok. untainted show. dun even have adverts, dun even know what the trailer looks like. wah. dream movie to catch in cinema...

but cannot watch.

sian.

but.....in the end

does it even matter? haha.

got cheered up and hanged out with linda. like old times eh.
spent time chatting, talking rubbish. i know it was prolly very tiring for her, and i dun really know why she decided to go ahead with it, but it made me happy.
even though initially was a bit sad that cant watch movie, but
i was glad in the end that we could chill together.
made me reminisce.

made me think at times....wnr?
eh? wn?

e.t.

2011-05-24T04:15:00.003+08:00

it's that time of the night again.
4 am and feeling emo to the max.
it doesn't help that the house is empty and nobody is awake.
writers always write about that great sense of alienation. i feel it too, and i think so do many others. i feel like nobody really understands me, nobody really involved in my life. everybody has their own life to live and i'm just another character in that person's life. which is supposed to be the case?
if i die today, what will happen?
who will be sad? what would people wish they said before i died?

i'm very hungry now. barely ate anything for the entire day.

today i cleaned up the house. both my room and the ball's room. spick and span. quite happy with the current state of cleanliness.
before that i was at dakota in the morning. watched a korean movie on mysoju. the naked kitchen. found it similar to my wife got married. how come all the korean shows i watch all the same pattern one?
dun like the korean thinking about love. the idea that love grows and is not exclusive to a marriage relationship. very selfish and just makes me more emo only. makes me think about the past and thinking about the past makes me emo.

just now when i was bathing i was thinking if i'm kinda like the ghosts from the graveyard book. i don't really change. i think. like other people are so different now from when i first knew them. all start working all start becoming "adut" (which is lame to me la, it just means becoming boring.). but for me i like still the same, still lazy, still want to play only. everybody has progressed but i have been left behind. haiz. depressing.

i'm not close to my uni friends, sometimes feel they can be quite short-sighted or naive.
church peers all working. even dong is always busy now with studies or whatever. aiya everybody all busy la. busy making money.
then family? i dunno, maybe i isolate myself.

this emoness has been compounded by my bad string of games in pes. my computer-truly-"artificial"-intelligence soccer buddies cant play for nuts and it's very frustrating. makes me hurl expletives at the air whenever they make stupid mistakes and as a result we dun win or i have to play like a dog just to win.

whera are all my friends?
alien to people in real life.
alien to the computer even.
wish i had a buddy.
this is all very selfish i realise, but i dun care la. i feeling sian now.
sian to the max.

it irks me when people talk about leaving church easily or when people find they have little connection to the church and complain about it like it's the church's fault or they really cant be bothered about relationships in the church.
what's the point of a church if there are no relationships?
if christians were to be saved to be solo kias then there would be no need for God to make the church le. chi.
bad theology and it's not simply a matter of preference like "some things there is no right and wrong".

gah.

i feel for u

2011-04-05T02:08:00.002+08:00

my head hurts from heading
my toe hurts from blocking
my legs hurt from running
my ankle hurts from sliding

but what hurts the most is

my heart
when i see my friends get bad injuries.

all the time

2011-04-05T02:06:00.001+08:00

walking around the university campus
it is late in the afternoon
the sun shines warmly on my skin
the breeze blows gently on my cheek
i feel the grass soft under my feet
and i feel happy

today we played alot

2011-02-07T02:58:00.001+08:00

and we laughed alot
and i truly had a fun time.
things are better now.
much better,
but one thing on my mind is
that i still wish i were h.

games i don't own that don't need to play with the time i don't have

2011-01-20T11:20:00.002+08:00

dead space 2
god of war 3
mass effect 2
little big planet 2
arkham city
portal 2
l.a. noire
metal gear rising

that's why i don't like to see game magazines
they make me want to buy games

how's this?

2011-01-20T01:56:00.002+08:00

in an alternate reality,

wile e cayote catches the road runner
elmer fudd catches bugs bunny
sylvester catches tweety bird
tom catches jerry

and the captives are finally killed.

the audience is shocked at the unexpected turn of events.

we flash back to what led to the animosity in the first place

the road runner's break neck speed caused wile e's wife to get killed in a car accident.
bugs bunny carried a joke a bit too far and elmer lost all his hair, and his reputation with it.
tweety was once friends with sylvester, but was also responsible for the deaths of sylvester's kids.
tom saw into the future and realised that jerry would be the cause of the great plague that would lead to the demise of entire nations.

all this, it turns out, was orchestated by the ultimate mastermind,
porky pig.

porky wants the rest out of the picture so that he can finally be the main star.
society feels the effects of a world without bugs and company. but it is already too late.
or is it?

it now boils down to the miunderstood villains to foil porky's nefarious plans
and set things right once and for all.

shattered

2010-12-20T01:14:00.002+08:00

new discovery.

the result: i am affected.

not something i'm proud of, but what's done is done.

i identify three things.

1. my esteem has dropped

2. i cannot make sense of actions

3. i don't like to be wrong

i had 3 assumptions.
new information was input.
assumptions 1 and 2 immediately phail.
assumption 3, in the light of assumption 1 and 2's phailure, highly unlikely.
assumed to be phail as well.
therefore all 3 assumptions phail.
now i cannot make sense of what was done that would have made sense had the assumptions stood.
i come up with a new theory to rationalise what happened.
however, it bothers me that i had been wrong all along.

the sudden realisation that everything wasn't as i had expected,
this has thrown me off.

i get the sense of being decieved.
i guess i deceive so much that it comes as a hit to be deceived myself.
i have lost control over the information and the influence
it is the weakness and the powerlessness that bothers me
i deceive too much.

does that make it harder for others to connect?
does that make me less knowable?
do i scare other ppl?
is it just my own shell?

Dream within a Dream by E.A. Poe

2010-12-20T01:06:00.002+08:00

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

not everything is as it seems
and things are always more complicated than we think
we strive to arrive at the truth, but once there, will we recognise it?
i want to grasp something concrete,
but even the smallest of concrete particles slip through my hands. what is certain?
certainties disappear..?
the world is far beyond us.
vast, random, and powerful.
amidst the chaos, i strive for something real,
but even that eludes me.

2010-12-20T01:04:00.000+08:00

whoa.
almost a month since i last wrote.

brrrr

2010-11-23T02:30:00.002+08:00

it's the rainy season.
i like the rainy season.
i wished the rainy season really came and never left.

the train ride to skool is very cold.
lecture theatres in skool are very cold.
tutorial rooms in skool are very cold.
heng i no lab if not very cold also.
it's even cold at the wall
of course the train ride back is cold too.
wish it wasn't so cold.

wish i could be warmer.

until i cant

2010-11-19T00:01:00.002+08:00

my right knee still pops.
my right ankle still pops.
my right big toe pops too.
my left hand fourth finger still hurts.

but i still will climb.

tmr i wanna climb.
tues i climbed and it made me happy. finger not happening though.
not being able to crimp with my left hand seriously hinders me.
basically i cant exert my left hand at all, so cant push on routes that require sticking my left hand on difficult holds.
on tues i just tried to put as much weight on my right as possible, but that acn only be done on easier routes la.
bought some finger tape though, never use before. hope it helps.
tmr see how la.

funny

2010-11-18T23:55:00.003+08:00

impressed with the mighty wallet.
now just wondering how long it will last. i wish it would last forever.

melissa saw my wall and seriously thought that i liked mint.
so she bought me mint for my birthday.
how thoughtful of her.
haha.
and how misinformed as well!
had a good laugh when i revealed that i don't like mint and she was so shocked.

i am old enough, i need time to grow up.

2010-11-18T00:17:00.004+08:00

is it simple?
it is very simple.
is it difficult?
it is very very difficult.

who can say they have made it?
who recognises they haven't?
who acts upon it?

who needs to grow up?
me.

what is love.
love is sacrifice.

whaddya want from me

2010-11-17T23:15:00.002+08:00

i don't know how to solve this whole thing.
it's very frustrating.
i struggle with it all the time. i struggled with it just now. i'll struggle with it tmr. i struggled with it yesterday. i'll struggle with it next week. i'll struggle with it during holidays. i'll struggle with it overseas. especially overseas. i'll struggle with it every other day.
it's always on my mind, unless i'm being distracted.
i think of what might make things better, but i know those scenarios are impossible.
and nothing is helping to make those scenarios possible.
so if that's the case, i don't see how things can improve.
maybe i'm just hoping that i will forget with time.
maybe i will.
but i seriously doubt it.
SERIOUSLY.
unless i get alzheimers or parkinsons or some mentally degenerative condition. or amnesia. or i die.
otherwise this will stick with me until the day i die.
i think.
or am i overthinking.
unlikely.
i don't even know how long i will live.
maybe i will die soon.
but what if i don't.
what if the answer is very simple and i just need a big hit on the head with it to realise it.
please hit me.
haiz
HAIZ.

happy birthday mr ernest

2010-11-17T22:57:00.002+08:00

birthday again today.
sobering.
is it like this all the time?
it's the day when ppl think u want to be the vip.
it's the day u want to be the vip.
but it's also the day you don't wanna be the vip.
but sometimes i think it makes ppl happy when they feel they made u feel like the vip.
but why do we confine it to a day to say that u are important on this day?
or to emphasise?
i would like to treat my birthday like any regular day.
it would be nice to spend it with friends.
but it doesn't need to be something special...
isn't it funny when 364 days of the year u aren't close and then just that one day u are nice to another person...?
i wanted to be alone today. but i guess that's selfish.
so i went for lunch and movie and dinner.
i hope it made other people happy.
but i guess i was still(am still) selfish. sorry about that.

watched the social network.
david met expectations fully.
good show.

i feel like zuckerberg.
(the movie one, i must qualify, because i think that it's very likely very over-dramatised)

i want to run away.
i want to be distracted.
i am tired.
i want to start again.
i want to erase the past.
but i cant.

bah

2010-11-16T20:59:00.002+08:00

which is worse?
to be honest and hurtful?
or the opposite?
tell lies to not hurt?
to pretend to be chummy?
or to be down right disinterested?
i'd rather(i think) be all alone and know that nobody wants to be my friend
rather than be surrounded by people who don't want to be around me but force themselves to be, for whatever reasons.

revised list

2010-11-16T00:49:00.002+08:00

top 10 shorts

1. arcteryx
2. nike-fit
3. reebok play dry
4. green north face
5. black arnie palmer
6. khaki arnie palmer
7. asics
8. blue north face
9. yellow striped adidas
10. water-proofed kappa(haha)

please port them...

2010-11-15T22:35:00.002+08:00

games that i wish were available on ps3

super meat boy
limbo
shadow complex
alan wake
world of goo

HEAL

2010-11-15T18:40:00.001+08:00

i
want
to
climb.

but
my
finger
still
hurts.

howwwwwwwwwww.

please.
faster.
heal..........

movie memorabilia

2010-11-15T00:26:00.002+08:00

10 cool things i can think of

1. the top totem and the pawn totem from inception
2. the holely bible from shawshank
3. the grape soda badge from up
4. the bouncy ball from the prestige
5. the soap from fight club
6. harvey dent's coin from the dark knight
7. the pen from be with you
8. the flower from district 9
9. the sunglasses from leon
10. the butterfly knife from kick ass

steam(boat) power

2010-11-14T22:43:00.002+08:00

had steamboat for lunch today.
:)
i like to eat steamboat.
our table didn't really have big eaters though,
so we had to pass some food over to the next table.
but the food was nice.
alot to eat too. i had 2 and a half bowls of rice.
ah.
but today din go and play soccer. :(
am itching to kick.
but cannot la.

need to do essay.
after lunch i came back and slept. too full from e meal.
was going to start on me essay but i got demoralised from the thought of it.
so i lay down on the bed and since it was so comfortable i just drifted off to lalaland.
anyway i work better when it's last minute work i think.
kind of i work better under pressure with a deadline closing in.
like in comics when going to die then can summon ultra power that kind of thing.
in particular my efficiency increases exponentially i think.
but i do not deny that if i start earlier with more time to refine my work, i will definitely do better.
it's not so much the quality but the efficiency that improves...

hope i can get it done.

2010-11-13T22:07:00.002+08:00

i have the discipline of a potato

2010-11-10T23:42:00.002+08:00

watching up makes me happy.
so, i'm gonna bathe and watch it later.
got essay due on monday though.
but i dun wan think about it la.
now i will eat some egg tarts that my ah ma bought.
and then i will drink some orange juice.

2010-11-10T21:32:00.001+08:00

what rubbish the radio is playing.
super irritating. must listen thru all the grrrrrrrrrrr to hear something worthwhile...
gah

a new left hand for my birthday please.

2010-11-10T00:52:00.003+08:00

once upon a time i remember my wrist hurt for a long time.
it eventually healed, yes, but i remember being quite troubled by it.
and to get it to heal faster i also remember geting a wrist brace thing.
i'd sleep with salon pas on my wrist and the wrist brace would be over the wrist to keep it in place.
and i have the impression that it did help in the recovery process.

now with my finger hurting and all,
i'm just thinking what are the odds that that might help with my fingers healing?
just that i dun have salon pas for fingers nor do i have a finger brace(does one even exist?)
maybe i should tape my fingers...
SIANZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
FASTER HEAL LAHHHHHHHHHH.
buay tahan this stupid injury laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

shows

2010-11-09T22:26:00.002+08:00

have not been watching new shows much....
lost the appeal kind of leh...
i've become scared of watching shows that turn out to not be nice despite looking nice.
so i've confined myself to watching old shows that i know i like
or watching only shows that are directed by ppl i most prolly will like.
like i largely had little interest in the social network up til just now.
thought everybody was just hyping it up cos it's about facebook.
if that were the case, then it's no biggy to me.
but then i realised it's directed by david fincher.
whole new perspective to the matter now man...
now i'm gonna watch it even if it means i watch it alone.
there's the luc besson show coming up too...

maybe i should be a bit more adventurous eh?

i'm going back to the start

2010-11-09T14:21:00.004+08:00

nobody said it was easy,
no one ever said it would be so hard...

feels like jc now.
i have no confidence in doing well.
just now it crossed my mind if i should sign on moe...
the bed has become increasingly attractive to me again. just like in jc.
it's a place for me to while my time away just getting lost in my thoughts.
i mean, unlike jc, i like what i'm studying and i get what the lecturers and tutors are saying,
but i don't know what i should record down,
i don't really know how or what to study
and i don't like the idea of printing out an endless stream of notes, or of reading an endless amount of pages off the net, both of which seem necessary for success.
it seems i have returned to writing again too.
possibly because the immense forlorn-stranded-helpless-nonsense-detached-lost-disconnected-wandering-hopeless-tiresome-loneliness has resurfaced again?
so writing occupies me and lying down dreaming is an escape for me.
so it's back to escapism again. haha.
i was just browsing through some old posts and i am reminded of how i felt in the past. and i realise...it's the same!
haha. i wanna run away and lead a simple life.
what about something like what ben button did? wander the globe?
that would be nice...

and then i saw something that i wrote in the past too:
"and i am quite fine with that.."
hoho my boy, you have no idea what you are writing about man....
i was stupid then and i am toopid now.

heh.
give me a chance and i'll let me see how
nothing has changed~~

dreams

2010-11-09T12:35:00.002+08:00

went back to sleep after pang sai

slept for 16 hours

had lotsa dreams...

i forget most, save for the last one,
i was really upset in my last dream.

then after that whole episode chinks drove me home and the drivers were crazy on the express way. then the police caught them and killed them.

at chinks house yesterday i aslo had a morbid dream
about a kid whose leg got caught in an escalator
and his dad desperately trying to get the kid out and failing and the kid got pretty badly hurt by the escalator. dunno if he died...
someone hit the stop button and it was a while before they got the kid out...not sure out of what though.
think the kid did die.
the dad was crying.

haggard

2010-11-09T07:55:00.003+08:00

unshaved.
worst dressing in skool since skool started(t-shirt and shorts)
came back and peng.
sept from 7.30 to 7.30
skipped dinner and didn't bathe.
dunno why so tired...
doh..
now i gotta go pang sai.

what do i want? what is "top" of my list?

2010-11-07T01:11:00.002+08:00

what is top is unmentionable, unobtainable, ungivable, impossible.

what i "want" is unanswerable.
answering would make it unwanted.
the surprise and the thought is the point.
the request takes away the point cos it takes away both.

the only answers that won't take the point away are "nothing" and "anything"
so the polite answer then would be "get me anything u want to get me"

walking in the rain is my thing

2010-11-07T00:08:00.003+08:00

walking in the rain,
i'm inclined to think there isn't that much to miss actually.
but maybe that's just cos of my current state of mind.
which may be a heightened state.
maybe spotless really is better.

ktv just now.
better than the last time when it was a little awkward...
alot of songs sang.
the reality of misslee surpassed the legend loh. exceeded my expectations. she sings very very well.
and well, yvo, expected la. haha. ktv regular. it's nice to see her enjoying herself so much though. bubbly and lively. puts a smile on my face to see her absorbed in the songs.
jo was a surprise. i knew she could sing well, but didn't realise that she would be as comfortable as she was, singing like that.
and dong...nothing to say la. in his element totally. really nothing to say.
overall enjoyable experience, especially with the quality-er singing,
but honestly, i'm just as happy to be singing(screaming) terribly out of tune with a guitar i can't play for the silly fun of it. but not everyone can take it ba.
and it's not for everyone's eyes anyway.
i liked the songs we sang just now.
even sang the chinese song of my life. haha.
english one quite unlikely ppl will sing. haha....

something i considered today,
solidity, self-awareness, self-esteem, attitude, and behaviour.

not solid, high awareness, low self-esteem, feel inadequate, behave "lowly"
not solid, low awareness, low self-esteem, want to make up for it, brag
not solid, high awareness, high self-esteem, fully accept it, humble and sincere
solid, high awareness, high self-esteem, proud, brag
solid, low awareness, low self-esteem, feel inadequate, happy with success sad with failure
solid, high awareness, high self-esteem, recognise gifts, serve and consider others before self

this was a quick thought i had, but i think can revise it. next time la.

what it would be like to make all our thoughts public....
so many things that i think, i cannot say.
so many questions that are asked, i cannot fully answer.
because there are some things that are just not for others to know..
i sometimes call it the deep darkness of my brain.
we will all never fully know what goes on in each other's mind eh...
i realise that those are the most dreaded(and hardest) questions to answer.
questions whose answer is found in the darkness.
can the questioner bear the answer? a question i think about a lot...
ah.

but on a happier note,
i found a new target le....
hehehehehe. see the sparks fly,
this busy little bee's gonna get to work le. :)
hohohohohoho.
i like this kind of thing. makes me happy. gives me something to work on.
something to occupy myself with and take my mind off other things.
a welcomed distraction.
a welcomedistraction. heh.
i'm the master schemer la. i'd hate to be an enemy of myself.

the world forgot

2010-11-04T02:05:00.002+08:00

listening to sorrysorrysorry now
makes me think about how so many things(everthing?) are about packaging now.
it's about who you want to target and how to proceed from there.
then would the best product be the most versatile product?
or rather, versatility is a certain gauge of excellence?
that it is broad enough to cater to as wide a range as possible...
then maybe depth would talk about sustainability of satisfaction?

today i climbed very little and belayed alot.
which is what i wanted cos i wanted to rest the fingers on my left hand.
so in between belaying and lead belaying stints, i would do a little bouldering to work on my footwork and work on loading on my right arm to take the weight off my left hand. happy. :)

tmr got spiritual retreat. silent retreat.
not very keen. but what the heck. there's sure to be something from it.
so it's another don't ask so many question, just do and see how it works out la thing.
was just considering what it would be like to reservedly rebel. against expectations, against norms, against whatever. kinda like bartleby. do what u wish, at the cost of anything and everything. a kind of unrestricted autonomy...
doh.

recently i've been thinking about eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
cos it appears in my skool book and
i kinda feel like watching the show again and
i sometimes wonder if i'd wish to have a spotless mind(and the eternal sunshine too of course) too.
well then i'd miss so many other things if my mind were spotless.
but sometimes,
just sometimes,
i'd wish my mind were spotless...

2010-11-03T01:44:00.002+08:00

more to add to my list.
i would like a hard cover 1984 and
(if it even exists) a hard cover tmwwt.
whoa. that would be the most awesome of all la.
and maybe some new joints too.
the fourth and index finger on my left hand are aching.
not happening.
and this has been going on for a few weeks le. :s
so that means something is definitely not right.
doh...think i'll lay off climbing(the finger strenght bit at least) for a while and see if it improves.
i hope it's nothing serious and things get better.
so. no finger training in the mean time.
so then i have to ask: "what do i do i the mean time?"
can i belay? and not climb? and not pay too?
or should i climb with largely my right hand and my left hand just gets jugs and open grips?
think no la. totally cut my left hand for now.
please recover my dear lefty....
my right knee and ankle pops too..
haiz.
this body of mine is failing me...

more climbing

2010-10-25T02:03:00.002+08:00

first climbing carnival today!
well, not exactly first, if u consider climb x all those years ago...
(but of course, that one nothing to say la. i cickened out that one.)
haiz, talking about all those years,
it makes me wonder where all those years went sometimes.
what might have been had i pursued climbing at a young age.
all that (i believe) potential...
but alas, today's tfc lesson say what?
God is sovereign, so we must praise, submit, trust, and humble ourselves.
so i guess "all those years" prolly just went to something more important than what my feeble mind can fathom at the moment.
which is definitely important.
SO!
anyway,
after today,
here are my thoughts.

hope i can make some good friends through climbing.
i need more endurance. i'm too weak. (i.e. i need more enduro.)
i need to handle the climbing high better. it badly affects my focus.
seriously starting to suspect that my finger won't heal if i don't rest it = lay off climbing!? :( (lay off all finger strength too...sianz)
i need to train my core and finger strength. need more conditioning!
my eyesight is failing me i think. better get it checked.
my shoes need to be replaced eventually..and soon.
and there are a lot of pretty girls in climbing. haha!

yay. thurs can climb i hope!

i want to climb

2010-10-23T04:43:00.002+08:00

it's 5 and i'm still not asleep.
pfft.
was watching ippo just now. heh, addictive stuff. i would've continued watching if i hadn't pryed myself away from the website to do other things.
sunday is climb on...
suppose to go early, but got church leh. and i got duty as well as tfc..
doh, i think it's ok to go otot la, hope the rest are ok with it.
then sun still got driving and tues also got driving.
i thinking if can change the tues driving so that i can go for pt..
haiz.
schedule keep clashing with climbing!
and i try to plan such that no clashes! bah. what rubbish.
i put driving on tues BECAUSE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE FREE DAY.
i join thurs cg BECAUSE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE FREE DAY.
monday pt. wed free climb. sat free climg. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT.
now it's tues pt,thurs climber's lab. WHAT NONSENSE!?
and my left fourth finger hurt for very long le...hope nothing is wrong. :/
dunno how i injured it and dunno how to heal it and dun even know what's wrong with it in the first place.
i hate this kind of little internal pains that i get all the time that i think a regular gp can't really diagnose properly without the right equipment.
like when my big toe hurt for like, forever, or when my right knee and ankle 'kaks', or when i feel that sharp pain in the sole of my right foor every now and then, or like now with this fourth finger business and all. very irritating.
still got an essay due next week.
time to bathe and sleep silly boy.

2010-10-21T01:08:00.003+08:00

while showering, this hit me
it's not
"who it would be nice to live with"
but rather
"who it would be impossible to live without"

hmm.
has anybody mentioned this before?
i think prolly have.
but this idea came to me on my own
so by emerson's thinking, it is my own, even if someone else has mentioned it before.
nyanya

how nice it would be

2010-10-19T11:25:00.004+08:00

please don't fight.
it makes me sad when i see vous fight.
why are vous still fighting?
but then i think,
maybe it's because it's been so long,
that's why vous still fight.
vous fight because vous want to keep fighting for as long as possible.
the fighting is unpleasant.
but the non-fighting is pleasant.
vous would fight,
if it meant that vous could continue not fighting for just that little bit longer.
at lease vous have vous to fight.
it would be nice if i could fight too.
but i cannot.

2010-10-15T03:59:00.001+08:00

they have emerged...everywhere they are emerging

my toe hair very long. should i cut?

2010-10-15T03:30:00.003+08:00

games to get.

lat guardian
ico/ shadow of the colossus collection
dead space 2
arkham city
metal gear rising
portal 2
orange box
ratchet and clank all4one

gonna be a while before these come out though...

it would be nice to receive these for my birthday

2010-10-15T03:02:00.002+08:00

new pair of ear phones
new pair of climbing shoes
new pair of casual shoes
a climbing harness
an ez-link sticker
a pair of sole slippers or birkies
a cheapo digital casio watch($18 kind)
the flat pack floor chair cushion thing
a cool snazzy classy collection of emerson
a munchkins set
a pair of sunglasses
a cool hat
more nerf goodness
another toy guitar
new aircon

it's happening...

2010-10-07T23:24:00.002+08:00

i hate that feeling when i've been in an air-con room for like forever then i come out and the air outside is humid and then my fingers start to get sticky.
wah bueh tahan.
when they stick together. ugh i hate that. only time when i wish i had chalk.
only i'm not sure if it will help.
but i suspect it will.
next time i will chalk my hands le. haha.

just came back from cg meeting.
and today,

i met...THE ONE.

his name: leonard ethan mah.

he study: ...some engine thing la.

his ns life: 3 guards

his struggle: studies

his solution: study more

so, he seems like a normal uni student just struggling to cope right?
right.

but obviously that's not all la.
he spends most of his time trying to understand his notes(i.e. studying)
but he not staying hall.
so how?

HE SLEEPS IN CANTEEN A.
ON THE SOFA.
STAY FOR 3 WEEKS LE.

MY GOODNESS HE IS MY HERO.

he pay for 3 lockers.
lockers hold his books, his sleeping bag, his clothes, his PILLOW.
he bathe at the sports recreation centre.
he arrange 3 sofas
(specifically "the dark blue one, not the grey one, grey one not comfortable" he adds)
and that's his bed.
in the morning the cleaner aunty wakes him up for skool.

perfect!

one day i'm gonna do that too.
just watch.

i am shy

2010-10-06T23:43:00.002+08:00

am i shy?
yes i am.

i talk alot,
yes.
but i talk about myself alot?
no.
well, it's true that i don't really have issues with talking to strangers,
but
i hesitate because
while i can talk,
others may not feel comfortable.
so i'd hate to be friendly with others when they don't like it.

that's why i hesitate initiating conversations sometimes.

maybe i am not that shy. haha

i love my old shoes

2010-10-06T23:35:00.002+08:00

as this sat's shopping trip draws nearer my time to decide just gets less and less
gah!
i had decided on the velcro a long time ago.
and then the thought that the verde is more snug creeps in.
so basically my brain is working like this now:

v10's are fine but old

anasazi vcs looks the most attractive but comfort wise questionable

anasazi verde seems the most comfortable but the design doesn't appeal to me.

so basically, I CAN'T DECIDE.

and then there's the dragon and the new v10's and the concept and conflict and the speedster and the talon and I CANNOT DECIDE.

howwwwwwwwwwwwww?

i hate to make these kind of decisions....

actually if the concept available no question le.
chi.
dilemma of my life

i am good

2010-10-06T01:52:00.003+08:00

am i proud?
yes i am.
clive says that if u're really humble u wun even think that u're humble, u'd be too busy thinking of others to realise u're humble.
so i guess humble i am not.
am i arrogant then? maybe some ppl would think so?
i would think that i am more aware than arrogant ba.
we live in a society and culture where it is deemed proud to exalt yourself.
do i exalt myself?
maybe.
but if i do, i would like to be doing ot out of honesty is all.

am i the best?
no.
do i think i am the best?
no.
am i better than others?
yes.
do i think i am better than others?
yes.
do i know i am better than others?
yes.
will i admit i am better than others?
yes.
will i state that i am better than others?
yes.
am i being honest?
yes.

but i also recognise that if i excel, it is not simply of my own talent or effort.
that if i excel, then more is demanded of me.
and if i excel, then i should not look down on others but should encourage them.
humbly.

let's list

2010-09-27T21:53:00.003+08:00

shows to get.

life is beautiful
saving private ryan
district 9
dark knight
se7en
fightclub
the rock
a-team
kungfu hustle
mystic river
gran torino
akira
inception

the best actors

tom hanks
brad pit
morgan freeman
kevin spacey
liam neeson
tim robbins
leonardo dicaprio
robert de niro
johnny depp
sean penn

2010-09-27T21:49:00.001+08:00

couldn't get tickets for friday. sian.
didn't meet bob on friday. sian.
siansiansian

2010-09-25T02:20:00.001+08:00

there are the people who think they are cool, but are not
there are the people who are cool but who dun mix with others
there are the people who aren't cool but who mix with others
there are the people who aren't cool and live in a world of their own
there are the people who are cool, but dun realise it

"funny then laugh la"

2010-09-25T02:06:00.000+08:00

ouch

2010-09-23T22:49:00.001+08:00

maybe the dead can come back

2010-09-23T22:14:00.003+08:00

my mind swings to the extreme
and i contemplate leaving to be a farmer and teacher
and maybe jus maybe

2010-09-12T22:31:00.002+08:00

i should start writing more
sometimes i will think to myself that i should write more.
but i never come around to it.
kind of lost the drive to write.
hmm
i think maybe i know why. but that's not important?
kind of lost the drive to do alot of things.
everything seems very surreal sometimes.
like i'm just floating from day to day.
the other day ong ask me what's up with me.
i think all along i'm kinda alone
ppl think that something is wrong when i'm quiet.
i think actually that in truth that's kind of how things really are?
that when i'm talking nonsense and being rubbishy it's more in the spur of things and not really me.
i remember considering what i'm really like before.
that time i say that the many parts make up the whole
but i think the majority of the the parts is the quiet guy who'd like to just talk to someone who felt like talking too.
relationships are a two way thing and sometimes i feel ppl are superficial
so i dun really try to engage them
but i guess it's my fault too for not taking the step to talk to others
but sometimes i get the thought like i just cant be bothered that much beyond a generic point.
i don't know how long i'm gonna remain floating.
hate this feeling.
the best times are when i'm distracted.
that's what uni is for.
for distractions.
distract me from the void that i dread.
anything that distracts me is most welcome.
how far would a person go if he really cared?
all the way i guess?
i don't know.
sometimes i am hesitant to answer people straight because i dunno how much they really wish to know.
what if u knew how i really felt?
what would u do?
if "nothing" is the answer then i'd much rather not answer ur question.
all the more so if the answer made u feel bad and didn't result in anything too.
worse if u couldn't even be bothered to hear the answer or remember the question.
i swing to the bitter side of things and i sometimes try to remind myself that it need not be the case that things only exist as sweet or bitter.
haiz.
sianz.

to whoever cares

2010-08-04T02:08:00.000+08:00

kill me now.
just kill me.

going crazy

2010-07-26T00:00:00.001+08:00

heard something familiar on 92.4 just now.
but i dunno which show i heard it from...
i'm thinking rk or nodame.
but seems like i've lost the tune while searching...
sian to the max

hello you

2010-07-25T01:33:00.002+08:00

long time no see.
how are you?
quite terrible.
that's interesting.
somebody slap me.

update

2010-03-27T01:07:00.002+08:00

favorite new toy of 2010 is now my glow in the dark squidgey ball!
aerobie ring is still more amazing yes, but the squidgey ball can go anywhere, is nice to touch and i can entertain myself with it even when i'm by myself. plus, it glows.

favorite shop is now popcorn pop!
haha i guess it was previously gallen sports?
what with all the aerobies and stuff.
but popcorn pop has got movie randoms!
w00t! movie posters!
i wan stuff from there.
haha. but my room no enough space... :(

seriously

2010-03-27T01:05:00.003+08:00

fat
unfit
weak
pathetic
i
cannot
stand
myself
i
need
to
lose
some
weight
i
need
to
exercise
i
need
to
train
train
train
i
need
discipline
to
hang
pull
push
crunch
bridge
lift
run
.
sian.

they call me superman. beacause i am.

2010-03-18T23:11:00.002+08:00

yesterday climb, today swim, tomorrow night cyle, day after "climb", day after that futbol.

this loser with no life

2010-03-14T20:59:00.000+08:00

HAS FINALLY GONE PLATINUM!!!!!!!!!!!!
w0000000t!

take me away

2010-03-10T01:54:00.002+08:00

the damned united is damn good says alan frank and he's damn right.
haha. my kind of show. british, football, comedy. well done. recommended to all with a developed sense of humour.
also happened to see let the right one in at hmv and bought that. don't think i'll watch it alone though. hah.
movies and games and comics and books.
my ticket out of the largely sad reality that is my life...
straight towards the sun

ccc

2010-03-09T01:07:00.002+08:00

went to climb just now after a long period of not climbing.
as usual, this always shows me how weak i am.
i think i was stronger before army loh. haha.
cannot make it!!!!!!!!
need to train train train!
stretching and running and physical conditioning!!!!!!!!
hate this, i seriously need to exercise.
I WILL BECOME STRONG.
DO OR DIE DON'T ASK WHY.
but for now,
sleep.

too bad so sad don't go mad just crash on the pad

2010-03-08T16:20:00.002+08:00

everybody loves to sit on the sofa and the sofa loves to have people sit on it.
but there's always just that one person that the sofa has no space for and has to sit on the floor.
that's why it's good to have skinny bum bums

just $^&#(@ do it can?

2010-03-08T16:17:00.003+08:00

i think i have very little tolerance for people who are not willing to try.
maybe more so people that i think actually can but because they don't try they can't.
and i respect people who can't but try still.
and i respect people who think they cant but try and realise they can. it also always puts a smile on my face when i witness this.
it's not about results loh, it's about heart.

aguero

2010-03-07T21:59:00.002+08:00

today i was aguero.
very sian. worst ever.
next time i'm gonna become saha.
but then i comfort myself knowing that if it had to be someone, i'd most rather it be me.
so i hope the rest enjoyed themselves.

heart

2010-03-07T01:21:00.001+08:00

all the theory lessons and programs and courses and tools and techniques and schemes and practices and examples in the world won't help you share the Gospel if your heart just ain't right.
but God can still use even a person whose heart is not right because He's bigger than all that.
and He does as he pleases.

with a little help from my friends

2010-03-01T14:26:00.004+08:00

people dun get it when i'm high sometimes?
i realise i've written a little bit about this before, but oh well.
i get high for a couple of reasons.
sometimes the circumstance just has an atmosphere that induces a hysteria in me. soccer games, live concerts, euphoric moments. so on and so forth. like clubbing? haha, not too sure about that. but i guess getting high and hysterical is kind of the point of such events?

then, as i've mentioned before, there are people that will induce me to highness(and the reverse is also true; there are people that will reduce me to sobriety) like tiang, teddy, chinks...and so on. hanging out with people like them makes me do stupid things, or makes me talk rubbish. like really fever freestylin' max combo beatlemania unending coherent nonsense. my brain lilke goes into overdrive ya know? especially when the mood is good, then can max combo. sometimes combo broken. haha.
i guess the thing about such people is that they enjoy the nonsense? so that makes me want to keep it going? or those people also are equally rubbishy so we can tag team ping pong freestyle and just go crazy together kind? something like that.

of course there are also the times when the situation calls for the highness. this is kind of yfc-trained..haha.
like when got event last time, then students come, so must be a happening entertaining host then maybe can lighten up the mood and make them more open to talk? so for those few hours must be more out-spoken more crazy more daring kindof..even if i'm not really in the mood, i guess the whole event setting just makes it easier to become like that? what with all the buzz and the life around..haha. leading in camps for example when you need to be high before the studs can be high? i mean it makes sense to think that if the leader isn't excited, how probable would it be then that the students would be excited? not very. so for events like this, for the sake of the program, i kinda summon some extra energy like sage mode so that maybe some of that excitement will rub off on others and they can have a good time too...

but all this is all fine and all.
i think the issue for some people is that sometimes i'm very high and sometimes i'm very quiet(emo they call it) and they dun get it. like i'm 2 different persons and it can all be within a span of a few hours. or minutes?
so then they ask what is really going on in my head? haha. funny, sometimes i don't know?

sometimes i become high when i am very sian.
kind of a self induced highness for the sake of rebellion actually? am i making sense? dunno man...
kind of like...things are not going too cool or something and i get fed up and sian or something and so in response to this, to "rebel" against it in a way, since to me the situation is all pointless and silly, i decide to just "forget it" and give up my reason and switch to the nonsense hysteria mode cos all around i feel i'm surrounded by unthinkingness. i think most of the time the nonsense thoughts do run through my mind...like in my head the nonsense doesn't really stop. which is why i smile or laugh to myself sometimes.. just that when i feel like people around me are not making sense and i cant be bothered to talk sense since it won't go in then i flip to the ridiculous side simply for the rebellious fun of it.
to entertain myself maybe? or to be silly so maybe people can see that what i'm doing is silly and that they don't realise it but actually what they are caught up with is silly too?

sometimes i'm just bored la and being high keeps me entertained and occupied.

hmmm, another thought just came into my mind. sometimes i'm high to mask my feelings? i feel one way, but i don't really care for others to know cos it doesn't really concern them, and maybe for that period i just want to escape that feeling and the thoughts surrounding it and all so i induce some highness so others cant be and wont be bothered with me?

honestly though, as in, i've said this before but people don't take me seriously. because i am seriously a joke...
BUT ANYWAY.
honestly, sometimes i really am seriously talking sense(and to me i think it makes the most sense) and people just don't get it cos they are just too narrow in their thinking. so i can start out talking sense but seeing how people don't get it i switch to complete nonsense and they just write it off as nonsense altogether when in the first place it's just cos they didn't get it from the beginning so i cant be bothered to waste my time and rather have more fun talking rubbish.
sometimes i litter my sense with nonsense. i mean what i say, and what i say is not rubbish, but i phrase it in the context of something silly and again people think it's rubbish. fine by me. sanity is not statistical my friends. haha.
sometimes through a string of ridiculousity, i pepper in some snippets of some serious things that i really believe but again, people tend to write me off wholesale as a rubbishbin. so what's a bohemian to do? haha.
i think there are times when i disagree with people for logical reasons(they are not making sense, though they think they do) and i decide to express this disagreement by talking rubbish to highlight the folly of their thoughts, hoping that they will see it. sometimes they do.

but alas. there are also times when i am totally sober and quiet and not rubbishy(actually i think in my brain i still am). i think maybe i just cant be bothered sometimes. being high uses up a lot of energy ya know? usually leaves me exhausted. which is also why i stop after a while...cos it's just too tiring. my body cant keep up with my brain. haha!

so am i two different persons?
siao. just means people don't know me well enough only la.
bleh!
wah, tired.

wayne

2010-03-01T14:19:00.003+08:00

haha.
bridge chllaxed out with me yesterday! farnie.
joker...i know there's all this talk about me and bridge but really there's nothing going on.
things are cool between us you know?
well, our meeting the last time didn't turn out so good, but yesterday was a blast.
even managed to get to the semis!
and all this rumours about our private lives? nonsense.
thick as thieves we are.
we just have such a good understanding of each other.
very compatible i'd say...
looking forward to chillaxing with ol bridgey.
yesireebob!

ouchie

2010-02-25T16:23:00.003+08:00

happened to catch some random highlights of the winter games last night.
think i'm becoming a fan of curling already. haha.
and i want to try skiing one day. like ski jumping looks awesome. i think flying down is super cool la.
anyway also caught a bit of the women's figure skating event. the short program i think it's called.
and there's this girl, joannie rochette from canada.
her mother had just passed away a couple of days ago after reaching vancouver for the games. wah seh. how to compete like that sia..
so that's the back story.
saw parts of her performance on the ice. and, as i suppose is mandatory, she was smiling widely through her whole program which they say she is dedicating to her mom.
so as she's nailing her jumps, i'd guess that the thought of her mom is floating about in her head loh. and she's still smiling. she must ba.
and then she completes her last bit and the performance stops with her in her end pose. still fighting back the tears.
and then she starts to cry.
emo sia.
she gotta psycho herself to smile for that short program while thinking of her mom keeping the sadness inside. the feeling sucks la.
but very commendable. olympics is nice to watch...

like before

2010-02-25T16:10:00.002+08:00

recently have been very sian.
feels much like my jc days...
no drive to do anything. just wanna float about.
want to nua the whole day.
got the church thing to do which i actually feel sian to plan.
not looking forward to it in the look forward to a match sense. which is normal i guess. but i think i'm supposed to look forward to it?
i don't want to work la. don't wan to do anything! BAH!
just feel sian la! sian sian sian sian sian!
dun like to plan things just want to be told what to do. haiz.
seriously sian. haha.
want to watch football. haha. things like that take my mind off other things... a full 90 minutes of distraction. but i got no mio tv! means i cant watch mid-week!
only got weekends! haiz!
the silly thing is it is irritating to be sian but still i am sian.
like a slump. what the heck man. dohhhhh.
more irritable recently.
haiz. simple life la. i dun wan to think.
lazy to think recently also.
haha. isn't all this wrong?
chi. sian.