Born in the wrong era? No. There is no wrong era.

tricks of the trade

how to pee in a urinal without having to suffer the terrible backsplash?

well, to do this, first find those round type urinals not flat one. then when peeing, angle your stream of yellow liquid to be almost tangential to the curve of urinal. this will transfer the energy and dissipate it out to the curve. hence less energy will be rebounded back to the yellow drops that will eventually leave the urinal and stain your pants or hands or feet. smell away, stain away, unhappiness away! equals to smile on your face and a good peeing experience.

how to pangsai without having to suffer the even more terrible backsplash?

there are 3 ways to do this.

the first way is straight-forward enough, but is most susceptible to failure. the pre-requisites are harder too. your chocolate cake must be long enough such that it sort of 'slides' into the water straight and controlled, like an acrobatic diver. this will produce very little splash but should you chocolate cake come short, you will still have a splash, or if you chocolate cake falls sideways. equally dire outcome. attempt at your own risk. however it must be added that if executed well, it will be a beautiful sight. in one smooth motion and with a therapeutic 'schloop' sound, your chocolate cake will be sitting at the bottom of your toilet bowl. delectable, just like a well made chocolate cake.

the second way is simple and elegant and easy to execute, however if you have a bad aim, please do not attempt this. similar to the peeing technique, the idea is to easy your effluence into the water. hence it must land tangential to the ceramic part of the bowl that is out of the water. hence the force will be absorbed by the bowl and not by the water. this will eliminate the terrible splash. of course, you can just aim to defecate onto the ceramic portion head on. this will leave a cute 'cartoony' brown mark on the bowl but this will be washed away with the flush. nothing to worry about. this is more fool-proof, but alas the elegance of the technique is then lost. however, should you opt for the more elegant approach, there you run the risk of hitting the water head-on should you not control your release nor your aiming. this is the only downside to this method. but if your muscular control and your aim isn't so bad, then there shuoldn't be any problems with this technique.

the third and most practical way of reducing/eliminating splash is also the easiest most idiot-proof method. simply take some toilet paper and throw it into the bowl first. this will provide a cushioning and extra layer to the water surface to spread the impact and also 'strengthen' the 'surface tension' of the water in a way. simple and effective. but hardly an art.

lappy running out of batt le.
to be continued...