Born in the wrong era? No. There is no wrong era.

i wonder if people realise that i can feel emo also.
sometimes i think people have an impression of me where nothing goes wrong in my life and even if things do go wrong, i am not very badly affected by it.
people think that i am cheerful all the time?
a thought that i have:
trusting God means surrendering everything to Him.
that means that even in dark times one trusts in the will of God.
job lost everything and yet he did not curse God.
that was trust in God yes?
if i were to lose everything and not curse God, would that be trust?
no, it may not.
i may not curse God because everything may really be nothing to me.
if nothing is really important to me, then what i have surrendered to God is really nothing much. it is all rubbish to me anyway, so that is why it does not bother me when God takes it away.
but if there is this one thing that is the one thing to me and God just takes that away even if he left everything else untouched, then i guess the untrusting me would very probably curse God.
and that is what God has done to me.
He has shown me that i can "trust" Him in many aspects of life,
but in this one particular area, i have shown my true colours.
i have shown my fist to God, even if it were hidden behind my back, i know, and He knows, that i have shown my fist to Him.
i refuse to let go.
i clench my fist up tight and keep it close to my heart.
i smile and i hide it behind me, but it is there and it is very present in my mind.
i will hold on to it.
and it will destroy me.
this is the deceitfulness of my heart.
i now question my trust and submission to God. i don't really trust myself now.
now i will want to make a radical decision.
but in my heart i don't really want to do it.
i want to seek "advice" and i want people to tell me otherwise.
i want the desire of my heart to be echoed back at me and i want to make a decision that i want, that was affirmed by others, that i know is not right.
i pray that God will change me.
I pray that God will make me want Him to change me.