Born in the wrong era? No. There is no wrong era.

it's the rainy season.
i like the rainy season.
i wished the rainy season really came and never left.

the train ride to skool is very cold.
lecture theatres in skool are very cold.
tutorial rooms in skool are very cold.
heng i no lab if not very cold also.
it's even cold at the wall
of course the train ride back is cold too.
wish it wasn't so cold.

wish i could be warmer.

my right knee still pops.
my right ankle still pops.
my right big toe pops too.
my left hand fourth finger still hurts.

but i still will climb.

tmr i wanna climb.
tues i climbed and it made me happy. finger not happening though.
not being able to crimp with my left hand seriously hinders me.
basically i cant exert my left hand at all, so cant push on routes that require sticking my left hand on difficult holds.
on tues i just tried to put as much weight on my right as possible, but that acn only be done on easier routes la.
bought some finger tape though, never use before. hope it helps.
tmr see how la.

impressed with the mighty wallet.
now just wondering how long it will last. i wish it would last forever.

melissa saw my wall and seriously thought that i liked mint.
so she bought me mint for my birthday.
how thoughtful of her.
haha.
and how misinformed as well!
had a good laugh when i revealed that i don't like mint and she was so shocked.

is it simple?
it is very simple.
is it difficult?
it is very very difficult.

who can say they have made it?
who recognises they haven't?
who acts upon it?

who needs to grow up?
me.

what is love.
love is sacrifice.

i don't know how to solve this whole thing.
it's very frustrating.
i struggle with it all the time. i struggled with it just now. i'll struggle with it tmr. i struggled with it yesterday. i'll struggle with it next week. i'll struggle with it during holidays. i'll struggle with it overseas. especially overseas. i'll struggle with it every other day.
it's always on my mind, unless i'm being distracted.
i think of what might make things better, but i know those scenarios are impossible.
and nothing is helping to make those scenarios possible.
so if that's the case, i don't see how things can improve.
maybe i'm just hoping that i will forget with time.
maybe i will.
but i seriously doubt it.
SERIOUSLY.
unless i get alzheimers or parkinsons or some mentally degenerative condition. or amnesia. or i die.
otherwise this will stick with me until the day i die.
i think.
or am i overthinking.
unlikely.
i don't even know how long i will live.
maybe i will die soon.
but what if i don't.
what if the answer is very simple and i just need a big hit on the head with it to realise it.
please hit me.
haiz
HAIZ.

birthday again today.
sobering.
is it like this all the time?
it's the day when ppl think u want to be the vip.
it's the day u want to be the vip.
but it's also the day you don't wanna be the vip.
but sometimes i think it makes ppl happy when they feel they made u feel like the vip.
but why do we confine it to a day to say that u are important on this day?
or to emphasise?
i would like to treat my birthday like any regular day.
it would be nice to spend it with friends.
but it doesn't need to be something special...
isn't it funny when 364 days of the year u aren't close and then just that one day u are nice to another person...?
i wanted to be alone today. but i guess that's selfish.
so i went for lunch and movie and dinner.
i hope it made other people happy.
but i guess i was still(am still) selfish. sorry about that.

watched the social network.
david met expectations fully.
good show.

i feel like zuckerberg.
(the movie one, i must qualify, because i think that it's very likely very over-dramatised)

i want to run away.
i want to be distracted.
i am tired.
i want to start again.
i want to erase the past.
but i cant.

which is worse?
to be honest and hurtful?
or the opposite?
tell lies to not hurt?
to pretend to be chummy?
or to be down right disinterested?
i'd rather(i think) be all alone and know that nobody wants to be my friend
rather than be surrounded by people who don't want to be around me but force themselves to be, for whatever reasons.

top 10 shorts

1. arcteryx
2. nike-fit
3. reebok play dry
4. green north face
5. black arnie palmer
6. khaki arnie palmer
7. asics
8. blue north face
9. yellow striped adidas
10. water-proofed kappa(haha)

games that i wish were available on ps3

super meat boy
limbo
shadow complex
alan wake
world of goo

i
want
to
climb.

but
my
finger
still
hurts.

howwwwwwwwwww.

please.
faster.
heal..........

10 cool things i can think of

1. the top totem and the pawn totem from inception
2. the holely bible from shawshank
3. the grape soda badge from up
4. the bouncy ball from the prestige
5. the soap from fight club
6. harvey dent's coin from the dark knight
7. the pen from be with you
8. the flower from district 9
9. the sunglasses from leon
10. the butterfly knife from kick ass

had steamboat for lunch today.
:)
i like to eat steamboat.
our table didn't really have big eaters though,
so we had to pass some food over to the next table.
but the food was nice.
alot to eat too. i had 2 and a half bowls of rice.
ah.
but today din go and play soccer. :(
am itching to kick.
but cannot la.

need to do essay.
after lunch i came back and slept. too full from e meal.
was going to start on me essay but i got demoralised from the thought of it.
so i lay down on the bed and since it was so comfortable i just drifted off to lalaland.
anyway i work better when it's last minute work i think.
kind of i work better under pressure with a deadline closing in.
like in comics when going to die then can summon ultra power that kind of thing.
in particular my efficiency increases exponentially i think.
but i do not deny that if i start earlier with more time to refine my work, i will definitely do better.
it's not so much the quality but the efficiency that improves...

hope i can get it done.

i have the discipline of a potato

watching up makes me happy.
so, i'm gonna bathe and watch it later.
got essay due on monday though.
but i dun wan think about it la.
now i will eat some egg tarts that my ah ma bought.
and then i will drink some orange juice.

what rubbish the radio is playing.
super irritating. must listen thru all the grrrrrrrrrrr to hear something worthwhile...
gah

once upon a time i remember my wrist hurt for a long time.
it eventually healed, yes, but i remember being quite troubled by it.
and to get it to heal faster i also remember geting a wrist brace thing.
i'd sleep with salon pas on my wrist and the wrist brace would be over the wrist to keep it in place.
and i have the impression that it did help in the recovery process.

now with my finger hurting and all,
i'm just thinking what are the odds that that might help with my fingers healing?
just that i dun have salon pas for fingers nor do i have a finger brace(does one even exist?)
maybe i should tape my fingers...
SIANZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
FASTER HEAL LAHHHHHHHHHH.
buay tahan this stupid injury laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

have not been watching new shows much....
lost the appeal kind of leh...
i've become scared of watching shows that turn out to not be nice despite looking nice.
so i've confined myself to watching old shows that i know i like
or watching only shows that are directed by ppl i most prolly will like.
like i largely had little interest in the social network up til just now.
thought everybody was just hyping it up cos it's about facebook.
if that were the case, then it's no biggy to me.
but then i realised it's directed by david fincher.
whole new perspective to the matter now man...
now i'm gonna watch it even if it means i watch it alone.
there's the luc besson show coming up too...

maybe i should be a bit more adventurous eh?

nobody said it was easy,
no one ever said it would be so hard...

feels like jc now.
i have no confidence in doing well.
just now it crossed my mind if i should sign on moe...
the bed has become increasingly attractive to me again. just like in jc.
it's a place for me to while my time away just getting lost in my thoughts.
i mean, unlike jc, i like what i'm studying and i get what the lecturers and tutors are saying,
but i don't know what i should record down,
i don't really know how or what to study
and i don't like the idea of printing out an endless stream of notes, or of reading an endless amount of pages off the net, both of which seem necessary for success.
it seems i have returned to writing again too.
possibly because the immense forlorn-stranded-helpless-nonsense-detached-lost-disconnected-wandering-hopeless-tiresome-loneliness has resurfaced again?
so writing occupies me and lying down dreaming is an escape for me.
so it's back to escapism again. haha.
i was just browsing through some old posts and i am reminded of how i felt in the past. and i realise...it's the same!
haha. i wanna run away and lead a simple life.
what about something like what ben button did? wander the globe?
that would be nice...

and then i saw something that i wrote in the past too:
"and i am quite fine with that.."
hoho my boy, you have no idea what you are writing about man....
i was stupid then and i am toopid now.

heh.
give me a chance and i'll let me see how
nothing has changed~~

went back to sleep after pang sai

slept for 16 hours

had lotsa dreams...

i forget most, save for the last one,
i was really upset in my last dream.

then after that whole episode chinks drove me home and the drivers were crazy on the express way. then the police caught them and killed them.

at chinks house yesterday i aslo had a morbid dream
about a kid whose leg got caught in an escalator
and his dad desperately trying to get the kid out and failing and the kid got pretty badly hurt by the escalator. dunno if he died...
someone hit the stop button and it was a while before they got the kid out...not sure out of what though.
think the kid did die.
the dad was crying.

unshaved.
worst dressing in skool since skool started(t-shirt and shorts)
came back and peng.
sept from 7.30 to 7.30
skipped dinner and didn't bathe.
dunno why so tired...
doh..
now i gotta go pang sai.

what is top is unmentionable, unobtainable, ungivable, impossible.

what i "want" is unanswerable.
answering would make it unwanted.
the surprise and the thought is the point.
the request takes away the point cos it takes away both.

the only answers that won't take the point away are "nothing" and "anything"
so the polite answer then would be "get me anything u want to get me"

walking in the rain,
i'm inclined to think there isn't that much to miss actually.
but maybe that's just cos of my current state of mind.
which may be a heightened state.
maybe spotless really is better.

ktv just now.
better than the last time when it was a little awkward...
alot of songs sang.
the reality of misslee surpassed the legend loh. exceeded my expectations. she sings very very well.
and well, yvo, expected la. haha. ktv regular. it's nice to see her enjoying herself so much though. bubbly and lively. puts a smile on my face to see her absorbed in the songs.
jo was a surprise. i knew she could sing well, but didn't realise that she would be as comfortable as she was, singing like that.
and dong...nothing to say la. in his element totally. really nothing to say.
overall enjoyable experience, especially with the quality-er singing,
but honestly, i'm just as happy to be singing(screaming) terribly out of tune with a guitar i can't play for the silly fun of it. but not everyone can take it ba.
and it's not for everyone's eyes anyway.
i liked the songs we sang just now.
even sang the chinese song of my life. haha.
english one quite unlikely ppl will sing. haha....

something i considered today,
solidity, self-awareness, self-esteem, attitude, and behaviour.

not solid, high awareness, low self-esteem, feel inadequate, behave "lowly"
not solid, low awareness, low self-esteem, want to make up for it, brag
not solid, high awareness, high self-esteem, fully accept it, humble and sincere
solid, high awareness, high self-esteem, proud, brag
solid, low awareness, low self-esteem, feel inadequate, happy with success sad with failure
solid, high awareness, high self-esteem, recognise gifts, serve and consider others before self

this was a quick thought i had, but i think can revise it. next time la.

what it would be like to make all our thoughts public....
so many things that i think, i cannot say.
so many questions that are asked, i cannot fully answer.
because there are some things that are just not for others to know..
i sometimes call it the deep darkness of my brain.
we will all never fully know what goes on in each other's mind eh...
i realise that those are the most dreaded(and hardest) questions to answer.
questions whose answer is found in the darkness.
can the questioner bear the answer? a question i think about a lot...
ah.

but on a happier note,
i found a new target le....
hehehehehe. see the sparks fly,
this busy little bee's gonna get to work le. :)
hohohohohoho.
i like this kind of thing. makes me happy. gives me something to work on.
something to occupy myself with and take my mind off other things.
a welcomed distraction.
a welcomedistraction. heh.
i'm the master schemer la. i'd hate to be an enemy of myself.

listening to sorrysorrysorry now
makes me think about how so many things(everthing?) are about packaging now.
it's about who you want to target and how to proceed from there.
then would the best product be the most versatile product?
or rather, versatility is a certain gauge of excellence?
that it is broad enough to cater to as wide a range as possible...
then maybe depth would talk about sustainability of satisfaction?

today i climbed very little and belayed alot.
which is what i wanted cos i wanted to rest the fingers on my left hand.
so in between belaying and lead belaying stints, i would do a little bouldering to work on my footwork and work on loading on my right arm to take the weight off my left hand. happy. :)

tmr got spiritual retreat. silent retreat.
not very keen. but what the heck. there's sure to be something from it.
so it's another don't ask so many question, just do and see how it works out la thing.
was just considering what it would be like to reservedly rebel. against expectations, against norms, against whatever. kinda like bartleby. do what u wish, at the cost of anything and everything. a kind of unrestricted autonomy...
doh.

recently i've been thinking about eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
cos it appears in my skool book and
i kinda feel like watching the show again and
i sometimes wonder if i'd wish to have a spotless mind(and the eternal sunshine too of course) too.
well then i'd miss so many other things if my mind were spotless.
but sometimes,
just sometimes,
i'd wish my mind were spotless...

more to add to my list.
i would like a hard cover 1984 and
(if it even exists) a hard cover tmwwt.
whoa. that would be the most awesome of all la.
and maybe some new joints too.
the fourth and index finger on my left hand are aching.
not happening.
and this has been going on for a few weeks le. :s
so that means something is definitely not right.
doh...think i'll lay off climbing(the finger strenght bit at least) for a while and see if it improves.
i hope it's nothing serious and things get better.
so. no finger training in the mean time.
so then i have to ask: "what do i do i the mean time?"
can i belay? and not climb? and not pay too?
or should i climb with largely my right hand and my left hand just gets jugs and open grips?
think no la. totally cut my left hand for now.
please recover my dear lefty....
my right knee and ankle pops too..
haiz.
this body of mine is failing me...